Grumpy old fart!!!

"If you talk to God you're religious. If God talks to you, you're psychotic."

Albert’s Return

Albert’s Return 

You’ve `eard `ow young Albert Ramsbottom
At the zoo up at Blackpool one year
With a stick with an `orse’s `ead `andle
Gave a lion a poke in the ear?

The name of the lion was Wallace,
The poke in the ear made `im wild
And before you could say “Bob’s yer uncle”
E’d upped and `e’d swallowed the child.

`E were sorry the moment `e done it;
With children `e’d always been chums,
And besides, `e’d no teeth in his muzzle,
And `e couldn’t chew Albert on’t gums.

`E could feel the lad movin’ inside `im
As `e lay on `is bed of dried ferns;
And it might `ave been little lad’s birthday-
E wished `im such `appy returns.

But Albert kept kickin’ and fightin’-
And Wallace got up, feelin’ bad.
Decided ’twere time that `e started
To stage a comeback for the lad.

Then puttin’ `ead down in one corner,
On `is front paws `e started to walk;
And `e coughed, and `e sneezed, and `e gargled
`Till Albert shot out – like a cork!

Now Wallace felt better directly
And `is figure once more became lean.
But the only difference with Albert Was,
`is face and `is `ands were quite clean.

Meanwhile Mr. and Mrs. Ramsbottom
`Ad gone back to their tea, feelin’ blue.
Ma said, “I feel down in the mouth, like.
” Pa said, “Aye, I bet Albert does, too.”

Said Mother, “It just goes to show yer
That the future is never revealed;
If I’d thowt we was goin’ to lose `im,
I’d `ave not `ad `is boots soled and `eeled.”

“Let’s look on the bright side,” said Father,
“Wot can’t be `elped must be endured;
Each cloud `as a silvery lining,
And we did `ave young Albert insured.”

A knock on the door came that moment
As Father these kind words did speak.
`Twas the man from Prudential – `e’d come for
Their tuppence per person per week.

When Father saw `oo `ad been knockin’,
`E laughed, and `e kept laughin` so –
The man said “`Ere, wot’s there to laugh at?”
Pa said “You’ll laugh and all when you know!”

“Excuse `im for laughing,” said Mother,
“But really, things `appen so strange –
Our Albert’s been et by a lion;
You’ve got to pay us for a change!”

Said the young man from the Prudential:
“Now, come, come, let’s understand this-
You don’t mean to say that you’ve lost `im?”
Pa said “Oh, no, we know where `e is!”

When the young man `ad `eard all the details,
A purse from `is pocket he drew
And `e paid them with interest and bonus
The sum of nine pounds, four and two.

Pa `ad scarce got `is `and on the money
When a face at the window they see-
And Mother cried “Eee, look, it’s Albert!”
And Father said “Aye, it would be.”

Albert came in all excited,
And started `is story to give;
And Pa said “I’ll never trust lions
Again, not as long as I live.”

The young man from the Prudential
To pick up the money began
But Father said “`ere, wait a moment,
Don’t be in a `urry, young man.”

Then giving young Albert a shilling,
`E said “`Ere, pop off back to the zoo;
Get your stick with the `orse’s `ead `andle-
Go and see wot the tigers can do!”

The Lion and Albert

September 6, 2013 Posted by | Social History, Uncategorized | , | 1 Comment

The Lion and Albert

With the summer holidays almost at an end we decided to visit Africa Alive , after viewing several enclosures we came across the lions which stirred memories of Saturday mornings listening to “Children’s Favourites” and the wonderful Stanley Holloway Monologue of “The Lion and Albert;” unfortunately my daughter and grandchildren hadn’t heard of young Albert’s fate and neither had my wife, although I find this hard to believe. Therefore for those who like to share a nostalgic moment I have reproduced it below;

The Lion and Albert 

There’s a famous seaside place called Blackpool,
That’s noted for fresh air and fun,
And Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom
Went there with young Albert, their son.

A grand little lad was young Albert,
All dressed in his best; quite a swell
With a stick with an ‘orse’s ‘ead ‘andle,
The finest that Woolworth’s could sell.

They didn’t think much to the Ocean:
The waves, they was fiddlin’ and small,
There was no wrecks and nobody drownded,
Fact, nothing to laugh at at all.

So, seeking for further amusement,
They paid and went into the Zoo,
Where they’d Lions and Tigers and Camels,
And old ale and sandwiches too.

There were one great big Lion called Wallace;
His nose were all covered with scars —
He lay in a somnolent posture,
With the side of his face on the bars.

Now Albert had heard about Lions,
How they was ferocious and wild  —
To see Wallace lying so peaceful,
Well, it didn’t seem right to the child.

So straightway the brave little feller,
Not showing a morsel of fear,
Took his stick with its ‘orse’s ‘ead ‘andle
And pushed it in Wallace’s ear.

You could see that the Lion didn’t like it,
For giving a kind of a roll,
He pulled Albert inside the cage with ‘im,
And swallowed the little lad ‘ole.

Then Pa, who had seen the occurrence,
And didn’t know what to do next,
Said ‘Mother! Yon Lion’s ‘et Albert’,
And Mother said ‘Well, I am vexed!’

Then Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom —
Quite rightly, when all’s said and done —
Complained to the Animal Keeper,
That the Lion had eaten their son.

The keeper was quite nice about it;
He said ‘What a nasty mishap.
Are you sure that it’s your boy he’s eaten?’
Pa said “Am I sure? There’s his cap!’

The manager had to be sent for.
He came and he said ‘What’s to do?’
Pa said ‘Yon Lion’s ‘et Albert,
‘And ‘im in his Sunday clothes, too.’

Then Mother said, ‘Right’s right, young feller;
I think it’s a shame and a sin,
For a lion to go and eat Albert,
And after we’ve paid to come in.’

The manager wanted no trouble,
He took out his purse right away,
Saying ‘How much to settle the matter?’
And Pa said “What do you usually pay?’

But Mother had turned a bit awkward
When she thought where her Albert had gone.
She said ‘No! someone’s got to be summonsed’ —
So that was decided upon.

Then off they went to the P’lice Station,
In front of the Magistrate chap;
They told ‘im what happened to Albert,
And proved it by showing his cap.

The Magistrate gave his opinion
That no one was really to blame
And he said that he hoped the Ramsbottoms
Would have further sons to their name.

At that Mother got proper blazing,
‘And thank you, sir, kindly,’ said she.
‘What waste all our lives raising children
To feed ruddy Lions? Not me!’

September 2, 2013 Posted by | Social History, Uncategorized | , , , | 5 Comments